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hwangbo used to write column called 'funfunlife' around 2009-2010. the articles are in korean and available at her cyworld. i agree with
hwangbo, suicides don't solve anything instead think of people who love you. i am glad
hwangbo finally found her strengths and new perspective towards life. with her experience and influence i believe she moved a lot of us. thanks
http://simplyhwangbo.wordpress.com/ for the translation.
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I don’t like fall. When fall comes around, I become prone to loneliness and depression. After years, it became a never-ending pattern. So, whenever fall starts to roll over, anxiety and stress piles up inside of me. Before I know it, my usual autumn guests forlornness, loneliness, and annoyance have masked my whole heart. Yes, I am feeling the tumbling depression again this autumn. At this moment, I am writing this essay inside of my car while moving to my next schedule. The deadline for this article is very close; it’s making me feel incredibly stressed and depressed. Every morning I wake up; every morning the temperature drops; every morning more leaves dry up, shrivel, and fall. It’s so bad that whenever I see a lone person waiting for the bus to arrive, I start sympathizing with them. I begin to think ‘that person must be feeling as lonely as me’.
Four years back, I fell into a great depression. It was that autumn when I started feeling that fall was my jinxed season. No matter how much I worked, I wasn’t compensated for it. It burned me out, no matter how much I loved my occupation; it no longer brought me happiness. So, I began to work less. When I worked less, I found myself starting to hate the people around me more and more. I didn’t enjoy meeting with my friends anymore. Everything annoyed me- getting calls, giving calls, or even chattering useless rumors of others. I lived my life pouring all my energy into my computer, knitting, and cooking. I found myself spending my days away in front of the TV. When the sun rose, I finally found sleep overcome me. When the sunset, I got up and repeated my daily routine. I lived my life on my sofa. These days droned on and on never ending. When I got up, the only comfort I could find was my kittens. Forget about my boyfriend, he was far away in a different country. I was simply trying to endure life that autumn.
However at that time, I thought I was simply feeling unmotivated. I thought to myself that I was simply mindlessly passing my life away. The thought that I was depressed never crossed my mind. What shocked me into my senses was the sudden news I heard from TV. A series of well-known celebrities committed suicide. I was confused, ‘why did they do it?’, ‘what stressed them out so much?’, or ‘how depressed were they that they thought suicide was the only way’? At the end of the day, I questioned myself. ‘How about me?’
I decided to get up and do something with myself at that moment.
‘This isn’t how I want to live. What I want is to live my life smiling. That’s it.’
For the first time, I questioned on what kind of life I wanted for myself. ‘To live happily’. That was my conclusion. I started to wonder what happiness meant to me. What was it about life that made me feel the happiest? I took out my old high school photo album and looked back on my life. I found pictures that I took together with my friends smiling. There were also pictures of my friends and myself during school fieldtrips. The only concerns I had about life then was grades, my relationship with friends, or how I couldn’t afford clothes and shoes that I wanted to buy.
However currently, all these problems were settled. I didn’t have to stress about grades, I had lots of close friends, I became a professional singer, I didn’t have any debts to pay off, and I could buy whatever clothes I wanted to. The things I worried about during my school days were no more; I was living a life much better than back then. I thought that my life could’ve ended up very bad and I started feeling thankful how blessed I was.
But in life, when one problem is settled another pops up. It could just be that as humans, it’s in our nature to feel unsettled about something in our life. “The bigger life’s obstacle is, the more likely it is to overwhelm us” (from Vision and Revolution/비전과 혁명: KangJunMin). I once again thought about and sympathized with the celebrities who passed on, they saw the obstacle in front of them and they had no energy to try and jump over it. I decided it was time to straighten up my heart after realizing this. I thought about all the moments in life that made me happy. I loved my mother’s voice that woke me every morning; I loved to start off my day feeling the warm morning sun; and it suddenly came to me. I realized that there were many things in life that made me happy. I could breath, see, hear, and eat to my fill. I began to realize all the small things in life that I was once blind to.
Fall was coming to an end and my view of life was changing angles. I began to gradually pull myself out of depression. I discovered something new once again. The usual guests of autumn that mask my heart are only temporary. They come and go in a flash just like the autumn season.
This is what I think of my depression four years ago and my current blessed sweet life. If I were to disappear from the face of the earth, my friends and family would briefly cry for me. However, the world will still flow without a problem. Don’t you feel this type of thinking is very depressing? There is a saying, “the today that we live, is the tomorrow the passed on has always yearned for”. I continue to stay strong and live for the people who has passed on. In their stead, I will live the tomorrow that the passed on as always yearned for.
Is there anyone who is suffering from depression? You should know the answer to treating it deep in your heart. It is only possible to move forward by facing life’s obstacle. When one hides, the world does not come to find you. Don’t give up. Live like everyday is your last. Your sadness and loneliness will become cherished memories of yesterday. This is my method of recovering my heart. I hope my confession was helpful to someone else in this world.
source:
http://simplyhwangbo.wordpress.com/
credit:
http://simplyhwangbo.wordpress.com/
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